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Not in a great state of mind :(

21 Mar

Salam,

 

As I’m writing this, I am not the usual me. I am now suffering the state of depression. I haven’t met the doctor yet and I wish there’s no need to see the doctor but seriously I can feel that I am not okay.

This week, starting from Sunday (2oth of March) where the school reopened, at the assembly, I feel the sudden blankness inside my  mind. My body was at the school, but not my mind. I was soulless.

Apart from that, I felt the lack of motivation to teach once I received the new timetable. I felt I’ve been brutally abused by the administration. I have classes till the last period for everyday. Unlike other teachers, they only have one or two classes at the last period. Instantly I felt I’ve not been treated equally just simply because I’m a young teacher.  Teaching English at noon is not easy.

I also felt that the I got the very low achiever class which they already knew the pupils’ achievement before they gave me  the class. I also been given a year 6 class which also a last class and a very low achiever class.

I thought I was able to teach these two classes and took it as a challenge for me to change the situation. But sadly not. I didn’t realize that this predicament has eaten up my heart. It has been a slow pain throughout the nearly 4 months and this week, everything burst up. I feel defeated.

I pity my pupils. They have to face the consequences. I realize that and I am so sorry for being such a bad teacher. Indeed I am a bad teacher. I cannot make them spell the names of days correctly. In fact, their are not able to spell the word ‘boy’ or ‘girl’ without looking at their exercise books. They are in Year 4 and still couldn’t spell that correctly. I am such a bad and incompetence teacher.

For Year 6, the stress to make them pass has also contribute to my depression. I got 0% of passers for recent exam and I know I have to explain this to the administration. I have no idea how to defense myself but I will be honest and say I am not a good teacher.

 

Which add up to the cause of depression.

 

And at the same day (20th of March), I received a letter which stated that I have to be the umpire for netball. I have no experience at all in this sport and by only attending one course of being an umpire, doesn’t mean that I am qualified to be one. This letter brought me back to an incident between me and this teacher, let me call her M. I detest M, seriously. M has been haunting me since last year with so many issues that clearly weren’t my business.  And this year M gave my name on purpose to the PK KO for me to attend that course. M mentioned that there’ll be another teacher to accompany me. But it’s all bull shit. I was the only one that attended that course. If I knew that will happen, I will say no at the first place. And today, I confronted M. Using jokes, it’s something like this ” Who the hell give my name to be the umpire at the first place” with the presence of other teachers. Being an utterly bitch, M replied ” I have no idea, they like your name perhaps” (of course she didn’t reply in English). Is M has an amnesia or what? Or M thought I forgot about it already. Hell to the no bitch. Stop messing with my life!

You might perceive me as inconsiderate, afraid to take the challenge and whatnot. But if you were about to do thing that is so out of your comfort zone, will you be depressed? I know I am now.

I’ve talked to the in charge person and regrettably, I still need to be there. So it’s fine for me but with condition that I won’t be the umpire on that two days and she agreed and promised and I hope she sticks to that.

 

This  again shows a clear evidence that I have been bullied by the system and this also one of causes that lead to my depression. I am so mad and sad at the same time.

 

I hate my school at the moment. I feel mentally and physically blocked to attend school.

I feel like I need new environment. I talked about this with my mom and sadly she said that I need to say for at least 5 years before I can transfer. I really hope that I am not crazy at that time.

I’m thinking of going away, take a week off and go to the beach. But I am sure thing will still be the same. Oh so fuck!

 

So, now, as I have mentioned earlier, I am not the cheeky, happy, positive me. I am now becoming more reserved and quiet and try to not be too out there because I am afraid I will lose myself.

 

I really hope this situation is temporary.

 

Please guys, pray for me 😦

 

Wassalam.

 

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Sad =(

25 Jan

Salam,

 

I am so sad tonight.

 

And I feel like crying =(

 

 

Wassalam

 

Unhappy me: Jannah